Strength in Numbers

I know the old saying is "safety in numbers," but lately the concept of strength, comfort, and even joy in numbers has been on my mind.  Last week, my infant daughter and I went to a new moms (and babies) group for the first time.  The group is led by a nurse and meets at a local hospital, and it provides new moms an opportunity to get out of the house with their babies and ask questions of other new moms and a medical professional.  There were questions ranging from sleep patterns to starting solid food, and I listened to all the other moms and the nurse out of one ear, while I also entertained my curious 3-month-old during the meeting.  But those words of advice were not the most valuable part of the meeting for me.  The most valuable piece for me was meeting other moms of babies.  Imagine that!  Other moms!  Just like me!  And right here in my local area!  Maybe it shouldn't have been, but it sure was a revelation for me.

Moving day 2013

My husband and I moved to Virginia just over a year ago.  Shortly thereafter, we found out I was pregnant.  While the end result of that pregnancy was and is the greatest blessing of our lives, it was not the world's easiest pregnancy.  And for the first time in my life I was not working, looking for work, or going to school.  I was just home, often alone, and often in pain.  And, for the first time in our marriage, my husband was not attached to a squadron, so there was no spouses group, no ready-made social network to welcome us when we arrived.  It was, in many ways, one of the most joyous and eventful years of my life.  But, it was also a lonely one on a lot of days.  

Once my daughter was born, both the joy and the loneliness intensified.  I feel incredibly lucky to be able to stay home with her in these her first months of her life.  And I was beyond blessed to have my parents be able to travel to stay with us when my daughter was first born and when my husband has had to be away for extended periods of time.  But, when they left and the house was empty, I must admit there were some very lonely moments.  With an infant daughter, we did not get out to meet our handful of friends in the area for dinner anymore.  With that infant daughter being born in the winter and the middle of flu season, we really didn't get out much at all.  She and I spent basically all of our time in the four walls of our house, alone except for the occasional friend dropping by and in the evenings when my husband would return home to be bombarded with my requests for him to help with the baby and to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk to me!

So this new moms group really was like a revelation to me.  Not only are there other new moms living mere minutes from me with their new babies, but they too are eager to get out of their houses, talk to other adults, and find "playmates" for their children!  In the one (1) week since our first meeting, my daughter and I have met up with other moms and babies twice already.  We have walked, talked, and bonded over this period in life that we are all experiencing for the first time.  And because of that I have smiled more, laughed more, relaxed more.  There is indeed strength in numbers and joy in knowing we are not alone.

Initially, I thought this would be the end of this blog post: a nice little anecdote about how my daughter and I are making new friends and I am settling in to life as a new mom.  Everyone smiles and proceeds with their day.  End of story.  But then I thought about how often in life this is true - especially in military family life.  

My husband and I moved here in 2013 from Jacksonville, Florida, where he had been stationed since before we married and where I had lived since 2010.  I look back on our time in Jacksonville very fondly.  I had a job that I loved most days with coworkers I enjoyed every day (which, incidentally, is a big part of enjoying one's job).  We had a great network of friends in my husband's squadron, and I was thrilled and honored to serve twice on the board of the Officers' Spouses Club (OSC) there.  We had many favorite dinner and date night spots, and we loved our neighborhood.  Even my husband's last deployment is a time I look back on fondly - I was incredibly busy and thriving at work, enjoyed several visits with my family, supported and was supported by my fellow Navy spouses and my coworkers, and counted down to my husband's return.

Homecoming 2011

What I seem to have forgotten in all this lovely nostalgia is my husband's previous deployment. The one that happened when I moved to Jacksonville from Atlanta (where I had lived for five years), and he deployed 2 1/2 months later.  The one where I knew next to no one in town besides my husband and a few people he introduced me to, and then he left for seven months.  The one where I started a brand new high stress job literally the day after he left; a job from which I came home at night to an empty house with no one to talk to about the struggles (and occasional triumphs).  If we're going to be completely honest here, I cried every single night for at least the first two months of that deployment.  Even though I saw plenty of people at work every day, I was profoundly lonely during that first deployment of our marriage.  But during the second half of the deployment, things got drastically better.  I had gained some confidence at work and bonded with some coworkers; the job became less stressful and more fun.  I started making true friends with some of the other Navy wives in our squadron (several of whom I now count among my closest friends), and suddenly I did have someone to grab a drink with after work and vent about the struggles (and share the now more frequent triumphs).  By the time my husband came home, I was all smiles - and not only because he was home, though that surely was a big part of it.  There is strength in numbers and joy in knowing we are not alone.

Help studying for my 2nd Bar Exam

Similarly, as I became better integrated into the fabric of my husband's squadron and the OSC in Jacksonville, it often felt like no one quite understood the unique pressures that my job added to my life.  I enjoyed the job, but it was stressful; and it was stressful in the I-want-other-junior-associates-to-commiserate-with kind of way.  (As an aside, I was the most junior associate in my office by four years, and no one else was hired in my year; so, I was really lacking commiseration!)  Plus, there was the added stress of knowing that the reality of our military life meant we would leave Florida at some point.  I had already taken two bar exams in two years at a cost of pushing $10,000 for the exam registration, background checks, review courses, travel, and hotel accommodations.  Would I have to take a third?  Would I have to sacrifice my career for my husband's?  Would my employer be understanding when the time came?  Would I ever be able to maintain a legal career with the inevitable résumé gaps down the road?  That too was a lonely feeling.  But then a law school classmate introduced me online to the Military Spouse JD Network (MSJDN).  Wow.  Not only was I not the only person going through this, there are pushing 1,000 other military spouse attorneys who know exactly how I feel.  Again, revelation.  Since moving to the DC area, I have been able to meet more and more MSJDN members in person (some of whom are among my closest friends here) and become more and more involved with the organization.  That too has been an immeasurable blessing as I navigate the uncharted waters of being a stay-at-home mom and spouse for the first time.  There is strength in numbers and joy in knowing we are not alone.

All of these are lessons I have tried to take with me.  During my husband's second deployment, I tried to be especially mindful of spouses who were new to the military and/or to Jacksonville when the squadron deployed, and I tried to support them in many small ways as the months went by.  But I am sure I could have done better.  When associates more junior than me started at the Firm (yes!  the day did come when I was no longer the most junior attorney there!), I tried to support them too in any way I could.  But surely I could have done more.  As my involvement with MSJDN increases, I hope that I am helping support fellow military spouse attorneys and paving the way for both less professional barriers to career mobility and less personal loneliness in figuring out the process.  But I would like to do more.

As for being a new mom, I'm still learning as I go.  But I know a few things.  I know this is the best and most important job I have ever had.  I know that I love my daughter with both a fierceness and a tenderness that didn't exist in me before her.  I know that I make mistakes for which I am sorry and from which I try to learn.  I know that I worry more than I ever have before in life.  And I know that none of that is going to change.  I also know how glad I am to be meeting other new moms who are becoming new friends and confidantes as we all figure out this whole mom role.  

And I know, without a doubt, that there is strength in numbers, and joy in knowing we are not alone.